The Procession to Calvary

Genre: Graphic Adventure

Players: 1

.

Review:

The Procession to Calvary, released on PC in 2020 and ported to PlayStation 4, Xbox One, and Nintendo Switch in 2021, is a Graphic Adventure that is technically the sequel to the 2017 PC game Four Last Things, though players needn’t have played that game to understand what’s going on here.

The Procession to Calvary puts players in the role of a Medieval murder-loving woman who finds that her free license to kill is revoked when the holy war is suddenly over and peace is declared. Looking for any excuse to get back to killing, she finds a loophole when her peace-loving leader offhandedly mentions that his prohibition on killing wouldn’t technically extend to the hated leader of the enemy forces, so off our heroine travels, on a pilgrimage to slaughter the one person she’s been (unintentionally and somewhat reluctantly) given permission to kill.

As that description undoubtedly makes clear, Procession to Calvary is very much a tongue-in-cheek game, with a presentation that makes it all too easy to compare to Monty Python, with its 2D visuals seemingly ripped straight out of Renaissance paintings and then edited with paper doll-style animation and flappy mouths to talk. This is paired with some excellent classical music played diegetically (on each screen, there are characters playing instruments to produce the music in question). This “high art” presentation of course clashed brilliantly with the hilarious and often just plain dumb dialogue (“Look at my massive key!” “Look at his massive key!”) to make for an extremely funny presentation. However, one glaring omission is that characters are eerily silent when talking (though not when screaming, oddly), and it would have worked better if some noise was added in for their chatting, even if it was nonsensical gobbledygook.

That one issue aside, the presentation here is clearly the best part of the game, but the core gameplay is still decent, albeit really traditional, Graphic Adventure gameplay. However, there is one clever little addition that is a nice touch – at various points in the game, players will be given the option to skip all the puzzle-solving, draw their sword, and approach gatekeepers standing in their way with the same subtlety as one unties a Gordian knot. However, players opting to murder their way to the end of the game will find themselves facing a “bad” ending, so apparently violence isn’t necessarily the best solution to all of your problems (though it often makes for an amusing one).

While overall this game provides lots of laughs and a solid Graphic Adventure experience, there are still a few flaws in this game that drag it down. Namely, your character’s walking speed is dreadfully, abysmally slow, which makes it a real slog to explore the game’s environments searching for the solution to whatever puzzle you’re on. Also, the choice of font and colors for the text often makes it difficult to see and read on-screen. In addition, this game makes zero use of the Nintendo Switch’s unique features, despite that the touchscreen seems like a natural fit for the game.

It’s a real shame that these gameplay flaws mar an otherwise excellent experience here. The Procession to Calvary is full of great humor that’s sure to put a smile on the face of any Monty Python fan, and this irreverent humor still makes this a Graphic Adventure well worth playing… but to do so, you’ll have to slog through the game’s slow walking speed, and it feels like even fixing just this one flaw would have made this a far more enjoyable game.

tl;dr – The Procession to Calvary is a Graphic Adventure about a Medieval murder-loving warrior on a quest to slaughter the last person she’s legally allowed to kill. With a presentation reminiscent of Monty Python, and a great irreverent sense of humor to match, this game is an absolute delight… or at least, it would be, if the slow walking speed didn’t make it such a slog. If you’re patient enough to wait through the walking to get to the funny bits, it’s still well worth it, though.

Grade: C+

.

This game has been nominated for one or more of eShopperReviews 2021 Game Awards:

Runner-Up – Funniest Game

.

^{You can support eShopperReviews on Patreon! Please click HERE to become a Sponsor!}

^{This month’s sponsors are MB, Andy Miller, Johannes, u/RamboFox, Exlene, Eli Goodman, Ilya Zverev, Stov, Connor Armstrong, and K.H. Thank you for helping to keep the reviews coming!}