Crypto Mining Simulator – Ultimate Trading Strategy Tycoon Craft & Idle Game 3D

Genre: First-Person Simulation / Misc.

Players: 1

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Review:

Crypto Mining Simulator – Ultimate Trading Strategy Tycoon Craft & Idle Game 3D, from here on referred to simply as Crypto Mining Simulator, because… do I even really need to explain why? Seriously, I hate to get to the point where I judge games with ridiculously long word salad titles like this, but they sure do make it difficult not to judge them when they start out on such a ridiculous, exhausting note.

This is the part where I would steady myself, apologize for going on a tangent, and say “moving on”, except… moving on to what? This game is an absolute unplayable mess, so much so that I strain to tell you just what sort of game it is because it goes out of its way to make itself so absurdly difficult to play.

First, the game does not work in docked mode. You need to use the touchscreen to get past the opening menu, even though there’s nothing in this game that seems like it should require a touchscreen.

Okay, so… handheld mode it is! Except all of the text in the game is so tiny, you’d strain to read it on a TV screen, and it’s outright painful to try to read it on the Nintendo Switch’s smaller screen.

Okay, so you just try to muddle through, but then you encounter the next problem – this game has what may be the worst framerates I have ever seen on the Nintendo Switch. You move a character in First-Person, and it feels like moving underwater while on some really heavy drugs, with your movements sluggishly trailing behind your inputs, and the whole time the game is trying to make you dizzy with framerates that must be in the single-digits.

But again, I’m trying my best to give this game a fair shake, except… I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I don’t see any indication what the buttons do or where I’m meant to go, aside from a checklist saying to buy various items. I go into the next room, which is laid out like a showroom for computer parts, and I suppose I’m meant to “go shopping” here, except I’m not really being told what the difference between these items is, and any text at all describing this stuff is once again in that tiny, barely-readable writing.

And you know what? I’m done. I’m just done. This game seriously keeps finding ways to make me hate it, and you know what, Crypto Mining Simulator? You succeeded. I managed to hold out for a few minutes of this miserable trash before I threw my hands up and decided I wasn’t going to continue with this farce.

Some may feel like writing a review after only playing a game for a few minutes before even figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing may be a betrayal of what a review is supposed to actually be, but I beg to differ. I tried to play Crypto Mining Simulator, and within the span of a few minutes it absolutely screamed at me in every possible way what a horrible piece of garbage it is. I don’t need to play it any more than that. If you, reader, wish to prove my assessment wrong and play it to judge for yourself, I have already warned you not to bother, but you’re free to waste your $5. Maybe after five minutes the game turns into a brilliant work of art that makes up for what I experienced. But I sincerely doubt it.

tl;dr – Crypto Mining Simulator is a First-Person Simulation game that is so absolutely overloaded with problems it’s like the game is actively trying to get you to hate it so you’ll shut it off as soon as possible. I suggest you go a step further and not buy this game in the first place.

Grade: N/A (F)

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This game has been nominated for one or more of eShopperReviews 2023 Game Awards:

Runner-Up: Worst Game, Worst Port/Remake

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