Behold the Kickmen

Genre: Sports (Soccer)

Players: 1

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Review:

Behold the Kickmen, released on PC in 2017 and ported to Nintendo Switch in 2020, is an unusual approach to the game of Soccer (or Football if you’re outside of the US). The game opens with a disclaimer declaring that its creator doesn’t know the rules of soccer, and is basically just winging it, evidently piecing together how the game works through cultural osmosis rather than actually bothering to learn it. The result is a version of the sport that is exaggerated, highly inaccurate in numerous areas… and yet it is a game that still does a great job of capturing the spirit of soccer.

Of course, with a premise like that, the game features an outlandish story to match, satirizing the sport and its often absurdly larger-than-life stories depicting its players (referred to here by their purportedly official term of “Kickmen”) as being worshiped as gods, every facet of their lives as an unlikely soap opera, and all of this while the characters are on the same page as the game’s creator in not really fully understanding the sport that they have nevertheless dedicated their lives to.

This story is delivered with hilariously stilted over-the-top dialogue and stylized character artwork. Meanwhile, the actual gameplay itself uses extremely simple 2D characters who are little more than a few simple geometric shapes. It’s unfortunately a bit unimpressive for a game that aims to depict the sport as over-the-top. This is backed by fast-paced synthesized music that doesn’t quite match the over-exaggerated grandeur of the sport that the rest of the game is trying to sell here, but it keeps the gameplay feeling energetic nevertheless.

As for the gameplay, this game may take some heavy liberties with soccer, but somehow that doesn’t keep it from being a surprisingly good spiritual representation of the sport. The field is circular instead of rectangular, there’s no such thing as out-of-bounds, points when scoring a goal depend on where the ball was kicked from (much like basketball), and multiple terms are used very wrongly or called by something else entirely… yet this is still very recognizably a soccer game… and a rather fun one at that.

This game nails the basics of the sport: tackling to steal the ball, passing between players, and trying to evade the defense to squeak the ball past the goalie and into the goal. The mechanics here are straightforward, simple, and easy to learn. What’s more, the game adds further depth by giving players the ability to upgrade stats in-between matches based on their earnings, with those earnings partly dependant not just on how well your perform, but how much you entertain the audience… a criteria that’s somewhat nebulous, but nevertheless makes it particularly satisfying when you make a hard-fought goal and “bank” the money you’ve earned.

This game would be well on its way to becoming one of my favorite Soccer games of all-time, if it wasn’t for some flaws that have nothing to do with a lack of realism. Firstly, players going through the game’s story mode will find that opposing teams’ stats will quickly outclass you, making you constantly feel like you’re an underdog scrabbling to make progress. Second, it can be easy at times to mix up your players and those on the opponents’ team, something this game should have done more to distinguish. And third, the lack of any sort of multiplayer mode here feels like a massive omission, especially with this game being as instantly accessible as it is. If it had a multiplayer mode, I could see this game easily becoming a staple of my Party Game rotation. Without it, it feels regrettably limited.

Still, for only $4, this is a surprisingly excellent version of Soccer, even though the game seems to go out of its way to avoid being an even remotely accurate version of the sport. Despite this, it manages to be one of the best Soccer games I’ve ever played, and I just wish it wasn’t hobbled by its refusal to include some of the staples of truly great Soccer games, like multiplayer. Regardless, at this low price, I think Soccer fans would do well to seek this game out, not only because it’s a delightful satire that wonderfully skewers the sport, but because it is a wonderful reimagining of that sport that works far better than it has any right to.

tl;dr – Behold the Kickmen is a Soccer game that proudly announces it was made by someone who doesn’t know how soccer is played, and the result is a game that is not only a hilarious satire of the sport, but also an excellent spiritual representation of that sport (albeit one that is full of inaccuracies), with some excellent core gameplay. It’s just a shame that a few flaws keep it from being an even better game – namely, its underwhelming visuals and its complete lack of any sort of multiplayer. Still, even with these issues, this game is more than worth its $4 price tag. If you’re a Soccer fan who won’t mind a riff on the sport, definitely check this one out.

Grade: B-

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